Breathe
by obsessed1
Summary: Tag to Midway. Spoilers for Season four. Whump of the Shep kind.


Title: Breathe

Author: Obsessed1  
Character(s): John Sheppard and McKay.  
Genre(s): Stargate Atlantis: H/C -Angst  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Nothing too explicit.  
Summary: Tag to Midway. Spoilers. Shep Whump as standard.

The Midway Station had exploded and fragmented pieces were left in its wake. Gone. Just like that.

McKay, who was perched beside Sheppard in the passenger seat, looked to him with a defeated expression, "It's gone."

Sheppard sagged back into his chair, "_Sorry_ Rodney."

He resisted the urge to rub the bridge of his nose. He had the headache from hell stabbing at his retinas and he clenched his jaw tightly to stop his stomach from rebelling.

"I can't believe it."

"Better destroyed than taken by the wraith."

McKay shot him an incredulous look that softened as he realised the truth in his statement.

"It's going to take a while for a rescue to come," McKay sighed.

"Yeah."

"Weeks even."

"Yeah."

"So….I guess we just wait."

"We're stocked up with food and water right?"

"This Jumper was supposed to be a life boat in the event of……." He groaned, "I can't believe it's gone."

McKay stood wearily and palmed the door open to the rear hatch where Kavanagh, Doctor Lee and the two marines were waiting.

"We're clear from the blast?" Lee asked, unbuttoning his shirt and sliding to sit on the floor.

McKay sat on one of the benches and started fishing through his bag for his laptop, "We're clear."

"So now we just…wait?"

Sheppard looked from Kavanagh to Doctor Lee, "Piece of cake," he muttered miserably and pushed himself out of his chair in slow increments.

Dark spots danced in front of his eyes and he had to pretend he was making flight adjustments as he leaned against the console and tried to breathe evenly. It was to be expected he guessed. He'd been starved of oxygen; of course he was going to feel light headed.

He looked out of the forward portal and at the reflection of his companions for god knows how long. They were already launching into some discussion about the ramifications of them not having a midway station and McKay was interrupting them loudly and saying he could fix it.

He just had to grit his teeth and wait it out. He'd been in worse situations. Hell, he'd fought wars. He could handle three scientists.

"Doctor McKay, that's ridiculous!"

Sheppard grimaced and curled his fingers around the front console. Maybe he could just fly blindly in the direction of Atlantis. Maybe they would find another gate in orbit and they could-

"I had a first edition book on physics on the station!" Kavanagh moaned, "My clothes, _all_ of my research…everything and-"

"Oh stop whining. You _lost_ a book, I lost _my_ midway station, It'll take months to re-build it and-"

"Hey, I helped you with your initial diagnostics!"

"No you didn't! And if it wasn't for you, it wouldn't have blown up in the first place!"

"Doctor McKay, I was only trying to-"

"Yes, re-route…blah blah…critical systems……blah."

Sheppard twisted and leaned against the front console and watched McKay raise his chin defiantly.

"It doesn't change the fact that you blew it up! You destroyed my station!"

"Well of course that's what I intended to do!"

"I wouldn't put it passed you!"

"Rodney," Sheppard warned in a low voice.

He could tell when McKay wasn't going to let up.

"It was a mistake. I…apologise. Can we just draw a line under it and….just wait for the rescue?"

Sheppard swallowed thickly and willed McKay to just accept the apology and move on. Of course, he knew McKay………

"At least I didn't faint!"

Sheppard realised that his hand was resting on his thigh holster and he deliberately moved his hand. No, he couldn't shoot them. He spied a stunner, nestled in one of the compartment racks, and smiled. No, he couldn't _stun_ himself either.

"Oh you just _had_ to bring that up!"

"It's the second time as I recall….hmm?"

"Rodne-" Sheppard was cut off by Doctor Lee.

"Doctor McKay-"

"Look he-"

"_Okay_, enough!" Sheppard stepped forwards and put his hands on his hips.

Everyone was looking at him as if he'd lost it and he didn't care. He just wanted to wait in silence. It had been a very long day. He'd lost men; good men and nearly suffocated after all.

"We're going to be stuck here for a while so can we just-" and then a wave of dizziness hit him and he was sagging against the wall and clamping his eyes shut.

He could hear them all scrabbling to their feet and someone was pressing a hand against his chest to steady him. He tried to push them off but found his legs unable to lock and suddenly he was sinking to the ground.

He didn't land hard; in fact there were enough hands to cushion his fall and before he knew it he was lying on his back and there were voices talking over him.

"Is he okay?"

That was Doctor Lee's voice.

"He needs oxygen. God knows how long he was without air when you ventilated the system."

"I had too….he ordered me to anyway!"

Sheppard tried to speak but he was cut off again…nobody seemed to realise that he was awake…kind of.

"Look…..get the portable oxygen machine and put the mask over his face."

"He's probably brain damaged. I mean…we shut the ventilation off and he was out there for seven minutes, after you had communication with him he must have been completely without oxygen for one and a half minutes….hypoxia-"

"Would you shut up! Just give him-"

"He managed to get to one of the space suits," McKay informed Kavanagh, "And if he'd been without oxygen for that long then he would be dead…..wouldn't he?"

"It doesn't take long for the brain to get so oxygen starved that-"

"Could you three just concentrate on-"

That bit was hazy. He must have faded in and out of consciousness because all of a sudden he was listening to Kavanagh again.

"All I'm saying is the damage could already be done."

An oxygen mask was placed over his mouth and then he was breathing cool, fresh air.

"That should be better now…just breathe deeply."

Sheppard felt a hand on his shoulder and he knew it was McKay.

He opened his eyes and there were five sets staring back at him, anxiously waiting for him to speak. When he did his voice was muffled by the mask.

"I'm fine…"

"You're not fine Colonel! You were oxygen starved and…why didn't you tell me?"

"Rodney," he sighed and pushed himself up onto his elbows, "We were kind of in a hurry and-"

Doctor Lee pushed him back down, "You should lie on your back and just take a moment."

Sheppard extricated the hand and forced himself back up, "I feel better already."

Doctor Lee tried again, "I read about this kind of thing. You need to acclimatise. Just breathe deeply and-"

Sheppard took a deep, cleansing breath and then moved back up to his elbow, "_I'm_ fine…"

"Come on…give him some space," McKay ordered.

Kavanagh snorted, "Space?" He laughed, "We're in a tin can. There isn't any more space."

Sheppard pulled himself up and managed to sit. He went to pull the mask off but Kavanagh was pushing it back into place.

"Don't be an idiot….just-"

Sheppard slapped his hand away, keeping the mask secured for a little while longer before pulling it off his face.,

"You should keep that on longer."

"I told you-"

"Yes, yes, you're fine," McKay moved to sit beside him, "Still…keep the mask on."

Sheppard did what he was told. He still had a headache. It was little better than before but it was still there throbbing as an accompaniment to his heartbeat.

He met his marine's tired and haunted eyes and they were giving him the same looks of despair.

"How are you feeling?" McKay asked.

There really was no room in the jumper. McKay's elbow was digging into his side and Doctor Lee's foot was wedged into his ankle. Kavanagh was standing over him and his marines were crammed up in the corner.

"Do you want some Tylenol Sir?" his marine was asking as he reached for the medical case.

"No. I'm good," Sheppard said moving to stand.

He got half way up and had a head rush. McKay moved with him, hands out stretched as if he were a toddler taking his first steps. He settled on one of the benches.

"Are we safe here?" Kavanagh asked.

"Of course we are. We didn't build our midway station in an area that's rife with Wraith," McKay said and then sat next to Sheppard.

He gave him a critical look and Sheppard sat up straighter.

"I told you I'm-"

"Fine! Yes yes I know."

Sheppard scowled, "I was going to say I'm OK."

McKay leaned back against the wall and everyone sat in stillness for a moment. It was an uncomfortable silence and Sheppard wanted to clear his throat just to break it.

Lt Harrison was watching him. His fingers moving restlessly, the front of his vest was spattered with blood. Sergeant Morris looked equally shell shocked. He was new and his first experience under Sheppard's command was a failure. So many men had been lost and he hadn't been able to stop it.

He wondered if the looks were accusatory. _No_. Probably not. He was just tired. They all were.

"At least we stopped the wraith huh?" Morris said in a trembling voice.

Sheppard nodded, still gritting his teeth against nausea.

The silence returned. Stifling.

"It's hot in here isn't it?" Doctor Lee asked as he unbuttoned his shirt a little more.

The silence was filled with a few agreeable yes' and then the quiet returned.

-----------------------------------------------

His headache wouldn't relent. Sheppard had managed to cram himself into one corner of the benches, crossed his arms and dipped his chin onto his chest. He'd stretched out, forcing everyone to either relocate to the other bench or sit on the floor. He just wanted some peace and quiet and yet everyone seemed to be talking very loudly and all at once.

He'd slept for a little while, but he kept waking intermittently, startled to consciousness by bad dreams. At one point he had shouted out, woken so violently that Doctor Lee had made a strangled noise and pressed himself into the other bench.

He apologised; embarrassed and then settled back onto the bench. He'd closed his eyes but stayed awake. It was one thing to wake in the middle of the night, sweat soaked and gasping for breath in the solitary confines of his room, it was another to do it repeatedly in the presence of others.

Carson had died. Elizabeth had been left behind. His father had died only weeks ago. Ronon was back at the SGC and possibly…..no…….the men he had taken onto that Midway Station had died horrible painful deaths and all of it felt like his fault. He felt sick to his stomach and if he hadn't been trapped in a tiny jumper, breathing re-processed air, he probably would be in a bathroom retching from shock.

Too much. Too much had happened under his watch. If they were attacked now…..he doubted he could defend these men. His nerves were shot to shit, he felt light headed and shaky and his hands ached from the re-coil of his P90.

Sheppard sat in silence, biding his time, trying to wait out the scientist's inane chat but he could just feel himself getting pent up with anger. Finally, after he had listened for long enough he swung his legs around, forcing Kavanagh to duck, and scrubbed at his face.

"How long was I out?" he asked, arching his back to remove the kinks.

Morris checked his watch, " 'Bout ten hours."

He'd been asleep for maybe three of those in reality but he wasn't in sharing mood.

He unwrapped a power bar and munched on it, feeling his stomach protest as he swallowed. It was then that he noticed somebody was missing.

"Where's McKay?"

Harrison gestured to the front compartment and the closed door and Sheppard's first instinct was to announce that he'd stolen his idea, but then something didn't sit right and it wasn't the powerbar.

Sure McKay liked to work alone in his lab late at night and pretend that he was as much a loner as he was, but Sheppard knew him better than anyone. _Something_ was wrong.

"How long?"

Kavanagh was shuffling a deck of cards on the floor but he looked up to give Sheppard a grim smile, "As long as you've been asleep. By the way-" he added in a mutinous tone, "-perhaps you should invest in _therapy_…….you _talk_ in your sleep. _Very_ weird."

Morris knocked him with his boot and Kavanagh made a whining noise, "What?"

Sheppard ignored him. He didn't care what Kavanagh thought. If the worst thing that ever happened to him was that he lost a few clothes in an explosion then he was lucky. He hadn't seen…….or _done_ for that matter, half the things Sheppard had. Sheppard was owed a few nightmares for that. Kavanagh probably dreamed of Nobel prizes. Sheppard dreamed of death and failure.

He stood slowly, head swimming a little when he got upright and used the wall for support until he reached the bulkhead door.

"I wouldn't go in there if I was you…" Kavanagh remarked.

"Why not?"

"Well….he snapped at us for shuffling cards too loudly. I doubt he'll be happy to be disturbed."

Sheppard waited a beat and eyed the stunner again. No, he couldn't stun Kavanagh.

When the door opened, Sheppard shuffled inside and promptly palmed it closed to mute out the other's voices.

McKay was sitting in the pilot seat, leaning against the front console with the laptop precariously balanced in front of him. He didn't seem to be typing…or doing much of anything and when Sheppard sat in the co-pilot seat he realised McKay was just staring out of the front portal.

"You okay?" Sheppard asked wincing when he spoke.

McKay turned to him slowly, looking dejected, "You still have a headache?"

Sheppard slouched back into his seat. He could lie but it was only McKay so instead he admitted, "Yeah….."

McKay's mouth crept up at the corner and he passed him a blister pack of Tylenol, "Here…take one. There's no one around."

Sheppard dry swallowed one, thankful for the gesture.

"So……what you doing up here?"

"You have met Kavanagh and Doctor Lee?"

Sheppard laughed a little. He was taken off-guard by a hacking cough and leaned forwards to breathe easier.

"_That's_ why I'm up here," McKay stated, pointing angrily.

Sheppard managed to get his coughing under control and pressed the pads of his fingers into his eyes when it aggravated his headache, "What?"

"When you were sleeping…you kept……coughing……."

"I was?"

"Didn't the other's mention it? I thought you were dying."

"Sorry."

"No don't…" McKay waved a hand at him, "…don't apologise. If it wasn't for me then-"

Sheppard leaned forwards, "Is that was this is about? You venting the atmosphere? Rodney…I told you to do it."

McKay rubbed at his face, looking older than his years at that point, "But you could have died."

"But I didn't……"

"Either way……I still did it and _I _knew and _you_ knew that you didn't have enough time to get to safety. If that space suit hadn't been hanging there then-"

"Rodney….if I hadn't run into a wraith half way to the jumper then I would have made it to safety. You can't control everything so don't beat yourself up about it."

"What like you don't?"

"I didn't say that I didn't."

"Don't ask me to do that again….please."

"I can't promise that. It was the right decision."

"Admit then that it wasn't your fault that your men died…because I know you Sheppard. You're a walking pity party."

Sheppard sank back into his chair and clamped his eyes shut.

"And I'm not buying that you're headache's that bad so……." McKay prodded him in the arm, "Well?"

"Okay," Sheppard conceded, "Okay….fine. I get it."

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. It wasn't oppressive and uncomfortable as it had been under the scrutiny of the others and Sheppard realised that McKay had been feeling exactly the same as he had before. He too had felt the accusatory looks.

"So, you going to get out of my seat?" Sheppard finally asked.

"No," McKay continued to mess around with his lap top.

"Come on Rodney……"

"No……you're just annoyed because you didn't have this idea sooner."

Sheppard pouted and crossed his arms, "You know my headaches kinda bad and I didn't really sleep earlier……it's quiet in here….and dark…"

"I'm not leaving."

"Fine," Sheppard perched his feet on the front console, "I'm going to sleep."

He closed his eyes and then felt McKay whack him on the arm. Okay, so he'd activated the button on the chair that dimmed the lights.

"I need the light! Do you know how bad the dark is for your eyes? Straining against a bright screen is-"

Sheppard shrugged.

"I'm not leaving. I can't hear Kavanagh's whining voice in here."

"Oh you couldn't hear him earlier? Good job." Sheppard closed his eyes and tried not to smile.

A beat.

"What was he saying?"

"Something about…..how he was going to build a new midway station and it would be better than yours……..or something."

He cracked one eye open and McKay had twisted in his chair and was staring daggers at the bulkhead door. A second later and he was laughing, eyes still dark and regretful, but at least he was smiling.

"I see what you're doing Colonel."

"I'm not _doing_ anything."

"Fine….."

He heard the sounds of scuffling and the door opening. He caught Mckay saying, "So what's this I hear-" and then silence as the bulkhead door sealed.

Sheppard yawned as he swivelled his pilot seat around and rested his legs on the seat behind.

It wasn't quite like his quarters but at least his demons wouldn't disturb the others.

Sleep.

Elusive.

The sheer exhaustion he felt should have been enough to drive him to sleep, and yet he knew he wouldn't be able to. Too much had happened.

He tapped his fingers restlessly and then smiled. McKay had left his laptop and headphones. On the screen there was a blank Microsoft word document and within it was typed, _"Get some sleep. I'll keep the Geeks out. Rodney :D"_

He secured the headphones and got as comfortable as his bruised body would allow. He pressed play on the music player and closed his eyes.

He wouldn't be able to sleep but at least he could dull out the voices.

_The end_

_Please Comment if you read_

_Thank you_


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